The Legends

Warning

Warning!

You have entered the Cripple Zone

You have entered the Cripple Zone!

Sitting still for too long will cause agonising pain

Moving around a bit too much will cause agonising pain

Being productive will cause … you guessed it! Agonising pain!

In the Cripple Zone it is not recommended that you partake in the following physical activities: jumping, running, lifting, touching, cooking, cleaning, or god forbid, the outside.

You have been warned

I take no responsibility for actions taken in light of this notice

Legends say that the Crafty Cripple resides in the Cripple Zone and has done since she was a wee little bitty thing. Who is the Crafty Cripple? Well, to those outside the Cripple Zone, it is best to consider the Crafty Cripple as an extremely hostile alien, recognisable by its bright blue hair and copious amounts of face metal and plundered jewellery (quite probably from her natural environment—the internets). A slight and inconspicuous monster who, at any moment you have your back turned, may come at you with crochet hooks.

Now, it might be true (in the legends at least) that you can outrun the Crafty Cripple with a long stride at walking pace, but she is not called crafty for nothing. This trickster will lure you in with smiles, cats and delicious chai tea, and promises of crafting you a beanie which may or may not be fulfilled before she devours your soul. Because, you see, and the legends are quite clear about this, the Crafty Cripple must drink the souls of innocents admiring her craft in order to sustain her artistic production.

There is but one way to sate this unending hunger for admiring souls. Although it is unclear if it is successful, it has been passed down since the beginning of the internets as the only way to protect oneself from such a horrific living death.

What is it you ask? Well, shouldn’t it be obvious? Survivors of the Cripple Zone have said that the Crafty Cripple has long created wondrous craft in all manner of mediums. Since the beginning of the internets, this has been largely unverifiable, with all manner of fakes appearing online selling for quite a ridiculous amount coin—even when everyone knows the Crafty Cripple, unlike a dragon she was once rumoured to have crafted, has no interest in the coins of mortals.

The legend goes that eons past, a lone hero, JJ the Brave, ventured into the Cripple Zone to show the Crafty Cripple the ways of the blog. Whether or not this is true, the fact remains that the Crafty Cripple has a blog, where she, or some incredibly bold imposter, posts her creations and writes musings about life in the Cripple Zone. It began as a rumour, but quickly spread that if enough visited this blog and admired the Crafty Cripple’s work and commented on her musings with interest and encouragement, her hunger would be sated and lonesome admirers of craft would no longer have to fear for their immortal souls.

Still, it is good to be diligent when traversing the world, because, at any time, you may encounter this blue haired crafter. Some warning signs to look out for: The smell of tea; Cat hair covering everything; Bits of felt and denim lying around; Crochet hooks; Bats (real or crafted); Cats (real); Rats; Pills; Black clothing. If you see some or all of these things, it is recommended that you make a hasty exit.

Post Script: Shortly after the rumours of the blog began, JJ the Brave disappeared. I like to think they fell in love and even now reside with cats, rats, tea and craft (even though most suspect she ate his soul too).

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